nettles.

purple drum beats
flutter around my ears
connors murmurs escaping my grasp
brain shuts off.
make me tired.
make me quiet.
make me as similar to him as i've ever been.

it's been three years since i've embraced
the most poisonous person i've ever tasted
it's been three hours since i've tasted
the most poisonous plant i've ever escaped to.

i don't want it.
i've detached all my vices.
flapping my arms like a drowning child
keeping my head up
struggling to breathe

i tried floating but gravity is too cutthroat
touch has lost meaning which is ironic
i thought death brought reality to the senses
but life has desensitized my awe
in the unknown
in nature
in love.

he loves me.
i have ADD.
he cares about me.
i care about
he tries so hard to keep my happy.
i smile.

i love him
but what to bury
us or the hatchet?

am i settling?
how do i know?
i know everytime i feel his skin
my cheeks heat up
my eyes burn
my knees give out
i fall into
doubt.

i'm scared.

i rely too much on
bodily reactions.
bodily functions.
my body is functioning
but my brain is slow.

i'll never be happy.
listen to my words even my pencil drips cynicism.
pessimisms poisons lead.
all my strokes scream uncertainty.

i'm breathing heavy.
i'm nervous my hands are shaking.
my future
laughs as it slips away
financially i'm fucked.
do i love what i do?
i don't even do it yet.
am i settling?
have i always settled?
i feel
so uncomfortable.
so uprooted.
so dispondent.
so unsure.