tuesday

chewing on my cheeks
i taste the eternal reminder
that my clock is always ticking
im always dying
a little bit of attention, recognition
a divine purpose
in the mess of moods and confusion and need
desperately waiting for what is supposed to come soon
i had you in my grasp
without love i will die very young
very violently forever young

finding comfort in all the wrong hands
lonliness manifested to depression
deeper than the rivers in my arms
deeper than the hole in my stomach
darker than your eyes
dark enough to never see light again
i lose myself in your pupils
they widen and envelope me
you shake
i am always the happiest
when chemicals are around

she is beautiful
their love is enviable
but i know what its like to rest in between his biceps
under the warmth of his breath
why can she live under his canopy
safe and dry and loved unconditionally
i stand outside
an onlooker forever envious
thunderstorms sometimes roll into hurricanes
if they are so inclined

sobriety is overrated
but i swear i would never touch a single
stimulant cause all i need to stimulate me
is someone who knows how to create
inappropriate relationships with friends who know better
treading dangerous waters but we're eighteen
im at my peak
and the only person who i want to peak with
is riding his buzz with someone i will never be

fuck feeling like shit
fuck wishing to be anyone but the person in the mirror
fuck wasting breaths
fuck longing and yearning and praying
there's nobody who's going to help you except
fuck doctors who've never been sick a day in their life
fuck money
fuck anarchy
fuck hoping that shits going to change
nothings going to change
everything is going to get fucking worse and worse
im fucking done writing shitty ass poems wishing and waiting and hoping for
change
fuck change
eat, sleep, fuck and die

nothing is going to be different tomorrow
fuck letting assholes make you feel weak
i make myself feel subpar enough
fuck people who make you feel like shit
so for 5 seconds of their sad life they feel
better than you
no body is better than anybody
we're all fucking depressed we're all waiting for an impossible euphoria
some chase it with drugs
sex
lying
working
cheating
praying
dealing

there's not going to be a fucking gate with clouds when all this shit it over there will be 6 feet of dirt you'll never see because you'll be fucking dead

so fuck this shit.

cabin fever

it's too easy
i could put something useful in my mouth

for once

feel the barrel on my tongue
taste death before he comes.

if only i was pretty
maybe then people would like me

doubtful

but this is the only reason i can come up with
for why no one wants to be my friend

i'm so lonely
cabin fever caught fire, burned to anxiety

help me

escape, i wish i had somewhere to go
someone to hold

blah

how many times have i said that i wouldnt do it again
i feel dirty everytime.
is it because she has twice as many?
a notch is a notch and my bedpost has become littered
with mistakes
with fakes
the sighs weren't of intamacy
animalistic if anything
faking love
for 5 minutes
makes the other 1435
go by
a little less painfully
so i took a ginger, and a stranger, a taken man, a garbage man
i never needed someone to make me feel like somebody
but now all i want
is somebody to call me their someone
because this whole
alone thing,
gets pretty fucking lonely.

sometimes

when piano keys pound
when a guitar string sounds
i hope that maybe
someone is comparing me

to the music

i feel less like a waste
of useful space

i feel beautiful and free
i would be a thing completley unlike me

and more like part of the music

whoo knew

no one will ever shake the way you do.
i am trying to keep you still.
tightly, tighter than i have ever held anyone.
i hold you.
in case it isn't apparent..
i love you.
it's all for you.
even when i cry and scream at you.
even when i stamp my feet
and pull at my hair
scratch my face
in anger in hatred of the things around me.
i will always love you.
it's a super power,
one of those things that i can't supress, can't name or rationalize.
i can't control why or when i have these awful urges
to run at you with all the speed i can muster
and throw myself inside you.
i just want to jump and fall into your chest
envelope myself into your skin so i will always be with you.
is that scary to you?
that i never want to leave your touch? your view?
it is to me.
i wish you would call me.
maybe send a message.
a fucking pidgeon i don't care.
i just want to hear
your arrogancy...
look down on me one more time.

pretending is easier than outwardly hating everyone you see on a daily basis.

it gets harder at night when you realize

you're a liar.

the people you want to love you barely know you.

you don't even know them.

they're better than anyone you know now.

you don't want to say

"they get me"

nobody gets anybody.

friendship is a fucking joke.

who needs other people?

i do, i fucking do.

why can't i get close to anybody.

i blame them.

it's me, i know it's me i should have someone who will always have my back.

but i don't.

i'm a liar and alone.

tripped

kittens to snowballs
that snowball walked away
where does a snowball have to go at this time of day?
the river
is like a big hole in my mouth
nobody can fly
except me!
im a bird.
almost.
my fingers sprouted feathers
feathery
leathery.
like a cow i moo
at you.
love me love me.
i will woo you
love me.
the americans will kill me
if you dont fuck me.
its your duty.
do me do me
im a good lay
i'm already on my back
fuck me fuck me these chemicals
make me horny
excuse me
i must dance
on this line
until it dissapears into the garden
alligators reside
in this eden
my tongue is the greatest muscle
in this world
i wish i could be a tongue
for the rest of my days
and lick anything
everything
you.
i will lick you.
lollipop.
you are my lollipop.
jump with me.
dance with me.
make love with me!