sometimes

when piano keys pound
when a guitar string sounds
i hope that maybe
someone is comparing me

to the music

i feel less like a waste
of useful space

i feel beautiful and free
i would be a thing completley unlike me

and more like part of the music

whoo knew

no one will ever shake the way you do.
i am trying to keep you still.
tightly, tighter than i have ever held anyone.
i hold you.
in case it isn't apparent..
i love you.
it's all for you.
even when i cry and scream at you.
even when i stamp my feet
and pull at my hair
scratch my face
in anger in hatred of the things around me.
i will always love you.
it's a super power,
one of those things that i can't supress, can't name or rationalize.
i can't control why or when i have these awful urges
to run at you with all the speed i can muster
and throw myself inside you.
i just want to jump and fall into your chest
envelope myself into your skin so i will always be with you.
is that scary to you?
that i never want to leave your touch? your view?
it is to me.
i wish you would call me.
maybe send a message.
a fucking pidgeon i don't care.
i just want to hear
your arrogancy...
look down on me one more time.

pretending is easier than outwardly hating everyone you see on a daily basis.

it gets harder at night when you realize

you're a liar.

the people you want to love you barely know you.

you don't even know them.

they're better than anyone you know now.

you don't want to say

"they get me"

nobody gets anybody.

friendship is a fucking joke.

who needs other people?

i do, i fucking do.

why can't i get close to anybody.

i blame them.

it's me, i know it's me i should have someone who will always have my back.

but i don't.

i'm a liar and alone.

tripped

kittens to snowballs
that snowball walked away
where does a snowball have to go at this time of day?
the river
is like a big hole in my mouth
nobody can fly
except me!
im a bird.
almost.
my fingers sprouted feathers
feathery
leathery.
like a cow i moo
at you.
love me love me.
i will woo you
love me.
the americans will kill me
if you dont fuck me.
its your duty.
do me do me
im a good lay
i'm already on my back
fuck me fuck me these chemicals
make me horny
excuse me
i must dance
on this line
until it dissapears into the garden
alligators reside
in this eden
my tongue is the greatest muscle
in this world
i wish i could be a tongue
for the rest of my days
and lick anything
everything
you.
i will lick you.
lollipop.
you are my lollipop.
jump with me.
dance with me.
make love with me!

ramblings

well
here i am
staring at the same ceiling
breathing
sinking feeling
well
i could do something
but when you feel heavy enough
that movement is a feat
i'm just not ready
well
i decorated my space
tried new things
met someone new
it's not helpful
well
self pity
is an ugly shade
but baby i know my pain
even if it's imaginary
well
things might be easier
if i had another
but he's hard to find
where to look
well
sometimes
my idea of fun
is medicating myself
and jumping into a
well

dreams

i'm just trying to sleep.
i'm sleeping im sleepy let me sleep sleep sleep.
sleep until the quiet floods.
sleep until i have no dreams
i wish i could sleep until eternity
until eternity kicks my stomach
i wish i could sleep until my arms are like trees
and my feet are roots
until mother nature holds me like her child
and i become part of her great physique

i sleep on my thoughts and my hopes are my dreams.
i know that as long as i sleep
the pressure of the sun never feels too heavy
the pressure of gravity never too grounding

i float in slumber, a baby in a womb.
i float and smile and clench my fists and wait for the light
a light that does not lead to hurt and hearts and people and depression.

this light will be different than the first, it will have joy.

it will have love.

this is my dream, but my reoccuring nightmare is that i will yearn for sleep so much that it will one day take me and i will not wake for the slumber a scream for.

i will lie in waiting.

i will wait for a man who will never come because he won't know i need him.

how could he know?

no one will remember to mention it, they will too buy attending to
the duties
the tasks
the burdens
of an unexpected death.

and he will prehaps come to mourn the loss of a girl he didn't really know
as a respectful friend of a friend but his life will not be affected.
and he will not know that he could have awoken the girl
who never woke up.

how could he know?

i coulnd't tell him.

and there i would lie six feet from where i always wanted to be, six feet too far from the light
that was blinding in the morning but so much more beautiful than life in the ground.

and he may stand above me one day, prehaps at the funeral, prehaps on my birthday, prehaps because he was in the neighborhood of cemeteries, and wanted to say hello.

and in my dreams i would scratch the case and break my nails and scream my fears.
scream my love.

but no one will hear me for am asleep.
and he will not hear me for he is awake.
he will not dig, because he won't know.

how could he know?

and he will leave,

to live.

and i will sleep,

to death.

addiction

your limbs are like trees
enclosed in your vines
a small pink heart
with two beady eyes.

it sees what you do
but you've wrapped it up tight
suffocating it's thoughts
bound by your might

it's empathy trickles
like a tiny blue stream
drops hit your toes
the ground where you seed

your dark insides squirm
your empty eyes plead
and that little pink heart
pulses with need

i climbed inside
to sit in it's glow
your abyss growing tighter
the blue begins to slow

i cradled your heart
in the crook of my arm
i carried it out
escaping your harm

and your little heart looked at me
with those beady eyes
they welled up with tears
and it let out a sigh

the pink heart exploded
covering me in blue
your sad eyes closed
the last of you

nettles.

purple drum beats
flutter around my ears
connors murmurs escaping my grasp
brain shuts off.
make me tired.
make me quiet.
make me as similar to him as i've ever been.

it's been three years since i've embraced
the most poisonous person i've ever tasted
it's been three hours since i've tasted
the most poisonous plant i've ever escaped to.

i don't want it.
i've detached all my vices.
flapping my arms like a drowning child
keeping my head up
struggling to breathe

i tried floating but gravity is too cutthroat
touch has lost meaning which is ironic
i thought death brought reality to the senses
but life has desensitized my awe
in the unknown
in nature
in love.

he loves me.
i have ADD.
he cares about me.
i care about
he tries so hard to keep my happy.
i smile.

i love him
but what to bury
us or the hatchet?

am i settling?
how do i know?
i know everytime i feel his skin
my cheeks heat up
my eyes burn
my knees give out
i fall into
doubt.

i'm scared.

i rely too much on
bodily reactions.
bodily functions.
my body is functioning
but my brain is slow.

i'll never be happy.
listen to my words even my pencil drips cynicism.
pessimisms poisons lead.
all my strokes scream uncertainty.

i'm breathing heavy.
i'm nervous my hands are shaking.
my future
laughs as it slips away
financially i'm fucked.
do i love what i do?
i don't even do it yet.
am i settling?
have i always settled?
i feel
so uncomfortable.
so uprooted.
so dispondent.
so unsure.

garden party

you're wrong i'm not like those roses.
you're wrong that's all you've ever been.
they're beautiful. even now, after death.

i'll never feel that way again.
you can say i told you so.
you can say you're welcome.
you can say i got what i deserved.

i'll never feel like roses.
i'll fall asleep in your smoke.
like i did before, and i'll do again.

go green. go fucking green.
you were the best part of me.
riddled with failures.

you lied, i was never like those roses.
you lied about everything.
no green? no fucking green?

now i'm wilted like those roses.
the plastic binding them together is more comfort
than i've ever had.

you don't deserve what you got.
i don't deserve what you gave me.
i don't know if i deserve what you left.

but i'll go green forever.
and never again feel like roses.

pretty much everything ends

left hand sacred. you're jaded.
i wear this ring as an insignia of how i feel,
of how i deal, he's my best friend, he's my rock.
and just as this rock sits on my finger he's there.
beware, i know the concequences of
love, hate, dumb mistakes
just because you feel that love is sex
and because i am too young to have
sex
i am too young to have
love.
but times are changing baby, take off that doubt it's not your colour.
take off that world, it's not your burden.
too pass judgement is fine, it's not my style.
i might not have a lot of swagger but i have a lot of smarts
and maybe math isn't my forte,
but i know that me + he is how it's meant to be.
i met him when i was fourteen and i'll be with him until
i can't walk i need to lean
on something
on anything.
body like a brickwall he protects me
from the war raging in my brain in my vein
in my heart i know that i'm naive but i plan to stay that way.
yes i'll marry you.
yes i'll be yours.
yes i'm prepared.
yes i'm sure.
i'm blessed to know who i want to be.
and what i will do with my life, how i'll lead it.
i'm blessed to have someone for me
who'll be there for life, and help me succeed it.
i understand my luck but i was unprepared for the negativity.
you player hate set'er straight let me get this straight.
man, love is love.
his love defines me.
you want to spend a life..with me?
when can you start?